since you've been gone.

today makes four months without uncle david.  haley has been with us just over three months, and her dad has been gone four months now.  i try not to bring up the day.  i know she must be thinking of it, but sometimes i hold my breath and pray by some chance, she doesn't realize what day it is and isn't quite as sad. 

today the weather is gloomy, so when i got a text from haley this morning saying she was sad, i hoped it was just the weather.  sad exhale.  she was thinking of her dad and remembering it is four months.  of course she was. i wouldn't expect her not to be.  i just wish i could spare her from that kind of pain.  

i asked if she reads the letters i write each month.  i reminded her that she is starting to laugh again and not just once or twice a week.  and that she's starting to sing outloud.  she tells us she wants to be a singer, but we'd never heard her make a peep ... until recently.  when i told reminded her of this, she started laughing and said, "when i was singing to you yesterday, i was just trying to mess with you. wait till [sic] you hear the real thing."  that in and of itself was a wonderful reminder -- "you were being silly yesterday -- that says a lot.  look at how far you've come.  three months ago you wouldn't have even thought to be silly.  you were still shut off."  i know she's not completely healed -- that is going to take a long, long time, but little pieces of her start to awaken all the time.

she was shocked to hear that i thought about uncle david all day yesterday.  somehow she thought she was alone in remembering him.  she didn't think he was on everyone's minds the way he is hers.   i explained that while none of us lost our father, people lost their brother, their friend, their confidant.  and while it's not the same as she must feel having lost her dad, i know i would be a wreck if i lost either of my siblings.  uncle dave had several siblings and nieces and nephews who were very close to him.  some who talked to him every day.  everyone lost someone very special. 

i reminded her that she is not a lone.  that people ask about her all of the time. they say they miss him and some wish they could put the loss out of their minds ... that they wish they could forget he is gone.  but just like haley, everyone will forever feel that hole.  

i just have to believe it gradually gets better with time.  slowly but surely.  even when it's hard. 

if you pray for haley, ask that she wouldn't feel like she has to be over this loss right this second.  that no one expects her to be.  she feels like no one understands, even when others share their stories of loss.  she doesn't want to grieve at the level she's grieving.  she's mad and confused, and sometimes feels guilty for feeling happy.   no one wants her to feel those things, but we know it's natural for her to be going through that roller coaster of emotions.  she puts a lot of pressure on herself to "just move on" when no one expects that of her.   keep my little family in your thoughts and prayers and lift us up so we always know what is best for her.