nothing like a pedicure to make a girl feel human again.

♪♪ my toes are pink, i'm ready to go ... ♪♪   wait ... that's not how the song goes.  right now i can turn anything into the tune of leaving on a jet plane.  tomorrow, kate, nick, travis and i are headed for playa del carmen in mexico!

with everything we've had going on over the past few months there's nothing i want more than a vacation with good friends.  i'm nervous about how travis will handle it, but he went to see dr. volak last week while i was in houston.  he said it was fine for travis to take this trip and it would be good for him to get away. 

travis still isn't able to work full days, so i was afraid the doctor wouldn't want him on this trip. he told him to take it easy, to not really drink, and he gave him some heavy duty samples of antibiotics to take in case he starts to get really sick while we're away.  since he has signed off on it, i'm trying not to worry and just trust that everything will be okay.

for now, i'll admire my pretty pink toes, and head to dream of squishing them in the warm, white sands. 

peanut butter truffles by haley.

while at work today, i received the following text from haley:

after a text like that, i'm not going to lie ... i was a little nervous what i might come home to and find in my kitchen.  it turns out i found these peanut butter truffles.  i don't have the recipe so i can't share it, but they are balls of peanut butter covered in white and brown almond bark.

haley used a "healthy" version and wasn't impressed.  i found them incredibly rich, though.  they tasted a lot like a reese's peanut butter cup, but sweeter. 

i was proud of her for trying out something new and impressed that they turned out on the first batch.

friends. soulmates.

don't get me wrong.  i love my husband.  i adore him.  he is my favorite person in the world.  {and anyone who knows me well knows that i am telling the truth and probably understating it a little bit}. 

but there are some days i'm so grateful for a very special girl in my life.  she just gets me.

influences in our lives.

i'm grateful to have such wonderful influences in my life.  i remember how cruel teenage girls can be, but i also remember having some faithful friends by my side.  my prayer is that haley is able to find a great group of friends over the next few years who can be an incredible support system as she learns to navigate the world a little differently than she would five months ago.

praying for moore.

my heart continues to go out to the people of moore.  i sat in shock the past couple of days watching all of the damage and destruction the city of moore is experiencing yet again.  the outpouring of love all across the united states, and even the world, has been incredibly overwhelming, and i'm so grateful that my family and friends impacted by the storms in moore and in shawnee are safe and that they have so many people reaching out to help. 

please continue to keep oklahoma in your prayers.  it will take these cities a while to rebuild. 

it's {another} boy!

it looks like we are going to be auntie and uncle to another little boy!  

the pictures aren't very clear, but justin sent these images to us today.  we've known for a while we were going to have another baby in the family {i can't remember if i've announced it here before or not}, but now we know it's going to be another nephew.  i kept saying i was going to have a niece {without remembering that i didn't actually know the gender of the baby}, but it seems that is not the case.  

either way, of course we are thrilled and can't wait to meet this new little guy later this year in september.

happy "mother's" day.

it's kind of funny that i wrote a post almost apologizing for feeling like a mom when i know i'm not really ... because haley gifted me with this little beauty last night before she left for justin and lindsay's house to baby-sit.

there wasn't a lot of fanfare or a big emotional moment {and in all honesty, i'm kind of thankful for that}  in fact, the plant was just kind of thrust into my hands as haley rushed in the front door from five hours of running "quick errands" with sierra to pack and get ready to leave for muskogee since justin was waiting.

but it was heartfelt and sweet, and i absolutely love the flower.

thanks for my beautiful orchid, haley.  i know i'm not your mom, and i would never pretend to be, but i'm glad you're part of our family, and i love your generosity and thoughtfulness.

faithful reminders.

yesterday a college friend of mine, amy, posted a status on facebook.  

"As you collapse into bed tonight after a day full of tending to the endless details of your children, your home, your job, etc. ... take a second to allow your heart to be reminded and to believe that you are a GOOD mom.  You are enough.  You are doing a GOOD job.  TRUST your children to Jesus and know that He has equipped you and given you the grace for this season and those seasons that have passed and are yet to come.  REST.  TRUST.  Take the pressure off and allow God to comfort you in the areas you are weak.  He's there.  He deeply loves you AND your children.  AND He cares about the details. 

A wise woman reminded me of these truths tonight and I just had to pass them on to my mommy friends ... at all stages." 

to many of you, the fact that this post resonated with me may seem silly.  no, i'm not haley's mom.  no, i'm not "playing house," trying to fill a spot that isn't mine to fill.  but in a lot of ways, i became a mom over night.  i am responsible for another human being.  whether she has a roof over her head, food in her tummy, clothes on her back.  i became responsible for guiding her, leading her, teaching her, loving her.

in a lot of ways, i become a mom.  over. night.  and i would be lying if i said it was easy.  i was telling one of my friends about some of the challenges of becoming this new person in an instant.  she sounded shocked and said, "you make it seem so easy on your blog.  you always seem like one big happy family." 

don't get me wrong.  we are a family and most of the time we are happy.  but that doesn't mean the days don't pass by without their challenges.  and i believe that is true of any family.  when i fell into bed last night, i remember feeling like i was "collapsing," just like my friend's status said.  the task laid before me felt overwhelming, and i wasn't sure why Christ had called me to this task.  but then i remembered, i am equipped.  i do have enough grace to get through each day.  some days i think it's not going to last ... that i'm not going to make it, but His grace has never failed.  even when i doubt, yet He remains the same.  i realized i've spent a lot of time questioning one particular area of my life and not trusting.  i understand now what people mean when they say they are carrying something and not giving it to Christ.  tonight i lay that particular piece at Your feet and trust that you will guide us through according to Your will.

so thank you, friend, for this faithful reminder.  

happy birthday / mother's day.

tonight we all met up at stone mill bbq and steakhouse for father's day and mother's day.  we try not to lump the two together whenever possible, but our family is getting so large and schedules are so crazy with work, travel, justin's shifts, in-laws' events and more, this year we just had to do them together. 

travis, haley, sierra, dakota, justin, lindsay, parker, mom, and karen all came to help us celebrate my dad and my mom. 

i must get better about snapping photos at these types of things -- even if it's just from my phone.  we had a great time laughing and enjoying each other's company.  parker loved being carried around the restaurant looking at all of the animals and paintings on the wall.

sierra and dakota had to leave just after dinner, but everyone else came back to our house for a few minutes after dinner.  travis and i had mom's mother's day gift in the garage -- a beautiful rocking chair. 

she saw it as she was walking up the driveway and gasped, "oh look at that chair! isn't that gorgeous??" 

i told her the mother's day fairy had left it. 

"for you?" 

"no, not for me -- for you!" 

"for me????"  she moved up the driveway so quickly.  she just couldn't wait to try it out.  i was so glad she liked it. 

all my life i can remember her and my dad trying to find incredible rocking chairs.  one fell out of the back of the truck when we were moving from new hampshire back to oklahoma.  i still remember them being sad about it.  so i thought the rocking chair was a great idea when travis suggested it, but am always a little apprehensive when giving others gifts.  i want them to love it!  

and she did.  :) 

my dad sat in it though and decided it made a better granddaddy chair.  hmm ... i guess it's a good thing father's day is coming up in about a month. 

in other news: the l-shaped desk and the piers in the office have found a new home. justin and lindsay needed furniture for their home office, and we have been trying to clean out that room since haley moved in.  it's nice when everything works out so perfectly. 

i am so blessed to have such an incredible family.  as it goes i get to see them pretty often, but sometimes i'm sad i don't see them a little more.  i love you guys. 
 

haley's new playlist.

when haley first moved in she told me that her dad used to make playlists for her.  he wanted her to know that she was beautiful and wanted her to have great self-esteem.  i know it's not the same coming from me, but i believe in the same thing -- i think every girl should know her worth.  today i pulled together a list of songs for her so she could create another play list. 

who says - selena gomez
what makes you beautiful - one direction
just the way you are - bruno mars
beautiful - christina aguilera
hey you - miranda cosgrove
pefect - pink
beautiful soul - jesse mccartney
who you are - jessie j
pretty girl rock - keri hilson
firework - katy perry

i included one direction, so whether or not she likes the playlist, i should get some points. ;) 

i also included a quote {i couldn't find the original author, so if you know it please let me know, as i would like to give them credit}. 

"it can be really, really hard to feel good about yourself.  when you feel hopeless, and lost, and broken, it's even more difficult - but know that's what makes you who you are."

travis and i continually try to remind haley that we are proud of her; that we love her; that she is a member of our family; and that she is beautiful.  sometimes she doesn't get excited about an accomplishment until after we have told her it was a job well done, so i wrote her this letter the other day.

dear haley, 

somewhere deep inside of you, you have to start loving you again. you have to remember you're beautiful.  you have to be proud of your accomplishments. and you have to remember all the times you've been told you're beautiful, you're loved, you're accepted, and you're embraced. they say kids are the most honest people - they tell you like it is.  asher continues to see your beauty and remind you of it.  sue talked about how beautiful you are before she ever even met you.  you, haley, have to remember your value and your worth.  you are something amazing your dad created.  you are his legacy. 

we will continue to stand beside you, cheering you on all the way, reminding you of each of these things.  my hope is that you begin to believe them again, no matter what anyone else might say. 

you are loved little one.

hang in there lovie.  one day at a time. 

 

happy birthday, dad.

today is my dad's birthday.  we aren't going to be able to do anything with him until this weekend because of everyone's schedules, but i still wanted to recognize the day.

i'm blessed to have you in my life, dad.  i don't know what i would have done without you these past few months with the words of encouragement and advice you've had to offer.  staying with haley while travis was in the hospital.  looking for alternative treatments and additional research on crohn's disease when travis wasn't getting any better. and just the never-ending support you offer. 

i don't have a recent picture of us ... so i need to change that soon. 

i love you.  happy birthday.

since you've been gone.

today makes four months without uncle david.  haley has been with us just over three months, and her dad has been gone four months now.  i try not to bring up the day.  i know she must be thinking of it, but sometimes i hold my breath and pray by some chance, she doesn't realize what day it is and isn't quite as sad. 

today the weather is gloomy, so when i got a text from haley this morning saying she was sad, i hoped it was just the weather.  sad exhale.  she was thinking of her dad and remembering it is four months.  of course she was. i wouldn't expect her not to be.  i just wish i could spare her from that kind of pain.  

i asked if she reads the letters i write each month.  i reminded her that she is starting to laugh again and not just once or twice a week.  and that she's starting to sing outloud.  she tells us she wants to be a singer, but we'd never heard her make a peep ... until recently.  when i told reminded her of this, she started laughing and said, "when i was singing to you yesterday, i was just trying to mess with you. wait till [sic] you hear the real thing."  that in and of itself was a wonderful reminder -- "you were being silly yesterday -- that says a lot.  look at how far you've come.  three months ago you wouldn't have even thought to be silly.  you were still shut off."  i know she's not completely healed -- that is going to take a long, long time, but little pieces of her start to awaken all the time.

she was shocked to hear that i thought about uncle david all day yesterday.  somehow she thought she was alone in remembering him.  she didn't think he was on everyone's minds the way he is hers.   i explained that while none of us lost our father, people lost their brother, their friend, their confidant.  and while it's not the same as she must feel having lost her dad, i know i would be a wreck if i lost either of my siblings.  uncle dave had several siblings and nieces and nephews who were very close to him.  some who talked to him every day.  everyone lost someone very special. 

i reminded her that she is not a lone.  that people ask about her all of the time. they say they miss him and some wish they could put the loss out of their minds ... that they wish they could forget he is gone.  but just like haley, everyone will forever feel that hole.  

i just have to believe it gradually gets better with time.  slowly but surely.  even when it's hard. 

if you pray for haley, ask that she wouldn't feel like she has to be over this loss right this second.  that no one expects her to be.  she feels like no one understands, even when others share their stories of loss.  she doesn't want to grieve at the level she's grieving.  she's mad and confused, and sometimes feels guilty for feeling happy.   no one wants her to feel those things, but we know it's natural for her to be going through that roller coaster of emotions.  she puts a lot of pressure on herself to "just move on" when no one expects that of her.   keep my little family in your thoughts and prayers and lift us up so we always know what is best for her.

haley & dee's road trip to edmond.

This weekend Haley went to Edmond with Dee to visit Sue and her family.  The story has a happy ending ... but the beginning didn't start off so smoothly.

Dee called Travis earlier in the week and asked if Haley could take a trip with her to Edmond.  She was out of school on Friday for an unused snow day, so it would be a long weekend.  Travis told her we were fine with it, and let her know we would talk to Haley about it.  When we first ran the idea by Haley, she immediately turned it down.  She knows Travis's mom and has hung out with her several times already and has even spent time with Sue when we went to spend the weekend at her house.  She didn't think she wanted to go this weekend, though.

We asked her to think about it and told her all about the fun they would have, including learning how to make Sue's infamous cinnamon rolls.  We asked her not to make a decision right away.  Sue called me and asked me for Haley's number later in the week and began texting her about the plans for the weekend and everything they wanted to do.  She said the girls would be there and Haley would fit right in.

On Friday morning, Haley still didn't think she wanted to go.

"Do you have your bag packed, Haley?"

"No, what for?"

"My mom just left Muskogee and will be here in about 30 minutes."

"I thought I had a say in this!"

"Well, you did, and we listened to you, but we really think this is a great opportunity that you're missing out on and something that you really need to try.  It's something you'd regret down the road if you didn't give it a shot.  So many fun plans have been made for you."

I remember my parents having me do things because they were the right thing for me, so I hoped that while Haley was a little frustrated at first, that she would come around in the end and really have a good time.

And it turns out that she did!!  Dee let her plug her iPhone into the car on the drive to Edmond so she could share her music with her {including songs that are special to her because her dad picked them out for her}.  Each time we texted to check on her, she was having a great time, laughing, playing with the boys, holding Bella, and baking.  Sue and Ashley both sent me pictures of her hanging out with everyone and she seemed to be coming out of her shell more and more each time.

They spent a full day shopping {and even got home late tonight because of a last minute shopping trip to Target by our house}. 

I sent a text to Sue while Dee and Haley were on their way home thanking her for hosting them this weekend and for being so warm and accepting of Haley.  Sue's response was so sweet, "She is a love and a member of our family now.  I even added her to the birthday list this morning ... She smiled her beautiful smile.  I think she was pleased."

When Haley walked in the door, she couldn't stop talking.  I thought Dee must have given her Mt. Dew directly to her bloodstream she was so hyper and giddy!  She told us Ashley had taught her how to open the door with her feet {but she didn't think it would be appropriate to do coming back in the house for the first time all weekend}.  She, Dee, and Sue had a fun girls' day shopping {so she showed us all her new gifts}; she'd gotten to meet Tabitha and the boys; she loved Ashley & Bella; and just couldn't quit talking about what a fun trip she had.  She also came bearing treats - Aunt Sue's cinnamon rolls that Travis loves.

Travis and I couldn't have been happier to hear that she had opened up, let down her guard a little bit, and had a great time with the family.  And she even said she would want to go back!!

I know our families are great, but I've been impressed with the way everyone embraces Haley as if she has always been part of the family. Thanks for helping make this transition a little easier.  We love you. 

It was a good weekend for Travis and me as well.  We were able to get some rest and unwind just a little bit.  It's been just a little over three weeks since Travis was released from the hospital, but he's still not doing a whole lot better.  His pain is more controlled, but it's still a waiting game of when the medicine will kick in and really start pushing this disease to remission.

We visited with Haley and Dee a little bit, but then we had to hop in the car to meet the Loves.  Haley came with us so she could babysit Levi and Asher while we were on our date night out at Los Cabos.  She was already in love with the boys, but after Asher told her she's pretty, she can't wait to babysit them again.

All in all it was a great weekend for our little family.

cinco de mayo.

Travis and I had our first official outing this weekend for Cinco de Mayo.  I was so excited.  He's starting to get a little coloring back in his face {slowly but surely}, but I knew we would still need to take it easy. 

Last year he and I had a lot of fun on the patio at Los Cabos, so we invited the Loves to join us there this year.

Things got a little hectic, babysitters were running a little late, and so we ended up driving out to the Los Cabos on the Riverwalk.

This was Travis's first trip out, so I wasn't sure how it would go.  I had one margarita while he stuck with a Dr. Pepper.  We didn't get to sit completely outside, but we did get to sit in the sun room right off the patio, so we could still people watch and enjoy the live music.

We were both pretty tired, so we didn't stay out too late, but we enjoyed catching up with the Loves and feeling halfway normal again. 

Happy Cinco de Mayo from the Lears!

working up a sweat.

haley recently started jillian michael's the shred. we did it a couple of times together, but my schedule doesn't make for very consistent work-out times.  on days when she's not babysitting, haley's at home by herself a lot.  she decided she would start doing her workout during the day while no one is home.

today i got this message from her while i was at work.

such a cutie.   the best part?  the rest of the conversation ... 

nothing like a little intimidation & encouragement from your family pup. ha!ha!

the love of haley's life.

I sent these pictures to Haley today to cheer her up while she was headed to Edmond with Dee.  I'm pretty sure she thought I was actually standing with Harry Styles, because she texted me back in all caps, "WHERE DID YOU GET THESE????"

Oh that girl.  :)

things that make us laugh.

I found this today and had to share it with Travis.  He loved it.  Oh boy.  Thank goodness we don't have our own kids for him to corrupt ... just cousins and a nephew.

bloodwork for rhiannon.

Do you remember when I said I feel like we spend all our time at the hospital, ER, or doctor's office?  Well, it still continues to be true.  Today I went in for a CT scan.  In July 2011 I was diagnosed with migraines, but the preventatives I was given never seemed to help.  When I do get a headache, we still haven't found something that will help take the pain away.  Travis and Haley have both gotten used to me coming home, flopping into bed because I can't hardly think, and falling asleep with ice packs on my head in an effort to get some relief.

I kept putting off and putting off going to the doctor, for several reasons, really.  I didn't like the doctor I was seeing in Broken Arrow.  He would never go a scan and didn't really offer any other advice except to keep increasing my dosage of the preventative -- I got to where I was taking it six times a day with no results.  Then we were going through the ConocoPhillips/Phillips 66 split, I was busy working a lot of hours to help clone our systems and get everything online in time.  Then I was adjusting to a new team, a new company, a new boss.  Then planning a wedding.  Then everything else that has happened in the past six months since our wedding.

Things have slowed a little {or maybe all the craziness is just my new normal, and I've learned how to cope with it}; and I decided that I shouldn't wait any longer to get into the doctor.  I started seeing the doctor at the clinic on-site at work.  He tried a pain medicine, but didn't really have a preventative solution.  When I went in for a checkup and let him know I was still getting headaches and that the pain medicine wasn't really working, he suggested we get the CT scan. 

So today Travis and I found ourselves sitting at the Diagnostic Center in Bartlesville.  They started an IV so they could take scans with and without dye.  Being the "scans" pro these days, Travis texted me while I was back waiting to be scanned and asked if I peed myself.  What??? I asked if he was joking and he said, "no, the dye makes you feel like you peed yourself; you get very warm." Excellent.

Was that too much information?  Probably.  I live with Travis and two teenage girls these days.  My filter is a little broken.

My scan was pretty eventful {given that I was able to control my bladder}, and once I was on the CT bed, everything went pretty quickly.  I did have flashbacks to my childhood when the doctors were trying to diagnose my cancer and determine what all parts of my body might have been affected.

The visit was taking a little longer than it should have, so the tech wanted to go out and let Travis know that everything was going well so he wouldn't worry.  The exact opposite happened.   Poor Travis.  The guy walked up to him very quietly and said, "I need to talk to you. I don't want you to worry." In the brief pause following "worry," Travis immediately thought the worst.  "WTH ... we just came in for a CT!!!"  Before he could freak out outwardly, the tech finished his sentence "we're just running a little behind." 

UPDATE:  We got the results of my scan back and everything is in the clear there ... so my doctor has decided to refer me to a neurologist.  Their office couldn't get me in immediately, but I have an appointment in late July.  Stay tuned for more as soon as I know more.

3 months.

dear haley,

as you know, it has now been three months since you came to live with us -- one quarter of the year!

here's a little bit about you this month:

• your conversations with the boys crack me up.  you are so funny with oliver and conor.  sometimes i wish i could turn on my recorder while you're telling me about your afternoons with them and the things the three of you "say" to each other.  a girl after my own heart in your love for our boys.  
• being home without us while travis was in the hospital was hard for you -- you spent a lot of time with oli and conor comforting you.
• aunt brenda brought your dad's ashes to you one day after school and shocked you when she said, "your dad is in the sack in the back."  i am so sorry we weren't home with you to help you go through this event.  you had been asking and asking, but when the time came, you weren't quite ready.  i hate that you had to go through this experience alone (for a few hours until i could get home).  we decided it would be best for me to hold onto the ashes until a little later date.
• we talked about the plan of action for your last six weeks of school and you wanted to show your teachers just how capable you are. 
• we've started calling you "little wart" {as a term of endearment}.  you worry about everything these days.  you had a bump on the bottom of your tongue and you were certain it was mouth cancer.  you realized you took too many claritin and decided to google the importance of your liver.  that time you were certain you were going to need a liver transplants -- and of course they won't have a liver for you and you'll sit and sit on the list.  you were certain you were going to die without your liver.  i think you and mister c. little would be great friends these days.  ;)
• you laugh so much and are slowly opening up again.
• i heard you sing for the first time this month.  you've expressed an interest in singing, but i've never heard you.  on the car ride home from the hospital one night you started singing.  {softly, but singing nonetheless}. it was wonderful.
• after our talk, you whipped out a plan for tackling all your work, and we started tracking it on a dry-erase board.  you knocked everything out in a week -- even with me encouraging you to slow down and take your time, if necessary.  you got 100s on just about everything you turned in
• we saw your grades take HUGE leaps
• jake's storage building burned and you suffered another loss as many of your dad's things were in storage there
• you filled out your first job application.  it's for cinemark broken arrow.  one of travis's favorite jobs was when he was working at the theater.  you told caitlyn this and she was able to get a job at the theater in claremore.  you decided to go for it as well.
• you think about your dad a lot right now {of course you do!} and there are certain things you wish you could put out of your mind.  we wish we could take that away for you.
• you didn't have any of your electronics for five days. you weren't sure you were going to make it.  on the night travis gave you your phone, you only had it for about five minutes before coming in and saying, "i'm already bored with facebook.  nothing significant happened. [friends] are just complaining and i don't really want to read that."  i couldn't believe the sky didn't fall.  ;)
• you learned the oklahoma laws for getting your driver's license may have changed, and you are on cloud nine.  you may be able to immediately get your license instead o fwaitin g
• you and rhiannon did your first day of the 30 day shred.  according to your facebook post, you're "feeling determined." we can do this!
• today you headed off for your first road trip and weekend in edmond with travis's mom and his aunt sue.  we can't wait to hear about how the trip goes {and think you'll love learning to make aunt sue's cinnamon rolls}.

we know this hasn't been easy for you.  you keep "trying to get over it quickly," and we have to remind you that something like this isn't easily forgotten.  aunt deniese still tries to pick up the phone and call her mom sometimes.  you feel like your brain is slowly but surely opening up and is a little better prepared to think about this loss, but most of the time it still doesn't feel real.  keep that chin up, buttercup.  it's going to take a while, but as we've reminded you before, you have a whole, great big family of people who love and care about you -- and a new family who loves you just as much and is so happy to have you as a part of their own.

we're here for you anytime.  you feel more comfortable opening up, and we want  you to continue to do that.  you made rhiannon a promise this month -- please remember it anytime you are sad and know that you should never feel like you're inconveniencing us, even if we are at work.

we love you,
rhiannon, travis, conor, and oliver

harry and haley.

So Haley and I were driving in the car today when a OneDirection song came on.  Haley's love for Harry runs deep, and it cracks me up how quickly

"If Harry sang this song to me he wouldn't even have to say anything else. That's it. We would fall in love and get married and have babies. We would be the perfect couple. Haley and Harry. Harry and Haley. Oh goodness, Rhiannon!"

harry styles.  image via people magazine online